“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.” ― Truman Capote

While I would hesitate to argue with a writer of the stature of Truman Capote, good conversation is rich and complex and is based on more than intelligence, particularly if he is referring to IQ.  For instance, here is a perspective on conversation that requires no great intellect to apply.   Though of course it does require a healthy application of self awareness and goodwill.

Professor Shelly Gable of UC Santa Barbara shows that even we lower mortals are capable of having a good conversation, if we adhere to some heart-warming rules.

Martin Seligman draws on this work in his latest book, “Flourish” in which he shows how positive conversations build strong relationships. Love and friendship increase in a relationship when someone responds to another in an active, constructive way as opposed to a manner which is passive and destructive. And if you need any reason to build relationships, solid relationships contribute to resilience.

The model looks like this:

So how does it work?

Well let’s say you have thought of this good idea for new business. You share it with your partner. She could react in one of four ways:

Active constructive

This is authentic, enthusiastic support: “Mmm that sounds interesting. How is it going to work in reality? You certainly have the skills for this, even though the idea is daunting to me. Tell me more about the resources you bring to sort out some of the obstacles.”

“Friendship is an obstetric art; it draws out our richest and deepest resources; it unfolds the wings of our dreams and hidden indeterminate thoughts; it serves as a check on our judgements, tries out our new ideas, keeps up our ardor, and inflames our enthusiasm.”  ― Antonin Sertillanges, The Intellectual Life: Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods

Passive constructive

This would be offhand support without any further interest. “Oh that’s nice.”

“I don’t know what he means by that, but I nod and smile at him. You’d be surprised at how far that response can get you in a conversation where you are completely confused.”  ― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

Passive destructive

Here your partner would ignore what you have said, either changing the subject, telling their own story without recognising yours or moving away without comment. “So what are you going to do about the widgetolator that needs fixing?”

“The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.”  ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

Active destructive

Here your partner would point out the negative aspects of the event. “you know of course that you have not the faintest idea about what you are getting into. I can see another fine mess you are getting us into (only they would not make the humorous reference).”

“Not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”  – George Sala

Perhaps with this insight we can review this quote from Dorothy Sayers, in a new light:

“A man once asked me … how I managed in my books to write such natural conversation between men when they were by themselves. Was I, by any chance, a member of a large, mixed family with a lot of male friends? I replied that, on the contrary, I was an only child and had practically never seen or spoken to any men of my own age till I was about twenty-five.

“Well,” said the man, “I shouldn’t have expected a woman (meaning me) to have been able to make it so convincing.” I replied that I had coped with this difficult problem by making my men talk, as far as possible, like ordinary human beings. This aspect of the matter seemed to surprise the other speaker; he said no more, but took it away to chew it over.

One of these days it may quite likely occur to him that women, as well as men, when left to themselves, talk very much like human beings also.”  ― Dorothy L. Sayers, Are Women Human?