Perspective

Are you (tired of) driving with one foot on gas and the other on the brake?

Here is a drawing of the chair on which I sit to work. To be precise, it is a drawing of what the chair isn’t. A drawing of the negative shapes around the chair. When my first art teacher, Nicholas Galloway, gave this class he said “this will change the way you see the world for ever”. And it did. Now, no longer do I look for the shapes I look also for the shapes around and in between. This is an essential skill for drawing anything, especially portraits.

In all my coaching I adopt a Solutions Focussed approach. In this approach all the involved parties build a common view of the way forward, through conversation. Analysing problems tends to embed the problem thinking. Cause and effect, though seemingly obvious, is at best tenuous. The solution does not care about the problem. So just focus on the solution and agree how to get it in place. I like this approach and I see it working all the time.

Sometimes however it is worth being aware of the ‘other side’. We have a rich world of mental activity, happening outside of the realm of our conscious. Deeply held beliefs from this world sometimes clash with resolutions in our conscious stream of thought. This raises conflict in our behaviour that we may find confusing and disheartening. Freud gave us the picture of three forces competing for a limited supply of psychic energy. We feel anxiety as our pragmatic, sensible part tries to control the fun-loving and dangerous urges of the childlike part, under the eye of the stern perfectionist who rewards us with pride when we do well and punishes us with guilt and inferiority when we don’t.

Fantasy is important in this view of behaviour. More often than not we carry an idealised notion of who we are and what we are capable of achieving. In most cases the workplace cannot cater to our fantasies. Only a few make it to the top, maintaining the status of rising star. All the rest are disappointed, experiencing an inner turmoil that is rarely discussed openly. These painful feelings find their way out from under the psychic covers in frustrated, disguised and camouflaged forms.

When we feel this pain we are likely to use unconscious mechanisms to protect our inner sense of well being. These mechanisms distort or deny reality to prevent us from feeling too threatened or too hurt. These mechanisms are useful in the short-term, to temporarily blunt the pain as we prepare ourselves to take a hold of things. However if these reactions become habitual or extreme, if we are too quick to defend ourselves or cling to defences, these defences begin to interfere with accurate perceptions of reality. They become troublesome.

Psychodynamics is a vast, rich field of analysis that can address this trouble. I could hardly expect to do this justice in a single blog posting. I have therefore decided to highlight some behaviours you may recognise in yourself or others. Bruce Peltier, author of ‘The Psychology of Executive Coaching’ gives a list of defences you may come across in yourself or in others in the everyday workplace. You can read this list in the blog posting.

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Technique

Are you structuring your interactions to destroy relationships?

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.” ― Truman Capote

While I would hesitate to argue with a writer of the stature of Truman Capote, good conversation is rich and complex and is based on more than intelligence, particularly if he is referring to IQ. For instance, here is a perspective on conversation that requires no great intellect to apply. Though of course it does require a healthy application of self awareness and goodwill.

Professor Shelly Gable of UC Santa Barbara shows that even we lower mortals are capable of having a good conversation, if we adhere to some heart-warming rules.

Martin Seligman draws on this work in his latest book, “Flourish” in which he shows how positive conversations build strong relationships. Love and friendship increase in a relationship when someone responds to another in an active, constructive way as opposed to a manner which is passive and destructive. And if you need any reason to build relationships, solid relationships contribute to resilience.

The model looks like this:

So how does it work?

Well let’s say you have thought of this good idea for new business. You share it with your partner. She could react in one of four ways:

Active constructive

This is authentic, enthusiastic support: “Mmm that sounds interesting. How is it going to work in reality? You certainly have the skills for this, even though the idea is daunting to me. Tell me more about the resources you bring to sort out some of the obstacles.”

Passive constructive

This would be offhand support without any further interest. “Oh that’s nice.”

Passive destructive

Here your partner would ignore what you have said, either changing the subject, telling their own story without recognising yours or moving away without comment. “So what are you going to do about the widgetolator that needs fixing?”

Active destructive

Here your partner would point out the negative aspects of the event. “you know of course that you have not the faintest idea about what you are getting into. I can see another fine mess you are getting us into (only they would not make the humorous reference).”

So how are you going to manage your next interaction?

You can read the full post, with illuminating quotes, here.

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Small adventure

Painting at Shelley Point

Two weeks ago I facilitated a workshop in St Helena Bay, up the west coast from Cape Town. And if the different areas in Cape Town (Rondebosch, Seapoint, Bellville, etc) could be different countries, well, from Langebaan north you could be on a different planet. They have such an interesting culture. They ‘brei’ their ‘rrs’ so they sound like ‘gh’. When I worked for the sea fisheries in Walvis Bay, long ago, I used to go to sea quite often on a research ship. The first mate was a pleasant old guy from the West Coast region. And he used to say “Ons het groot geword op droe growwe brood” which came out like a whole lot of guttural static with a few vowels ‘ingegooi’.

When the workshop was over I took a walk with one of the delegates, down to the Stompneusbaai lighthouse. We chatted a while before he walked back and I stayed to complete this paining. All too soon (I eventually had about 20 minutes by the time I had settled down on a convenient rock…) I had to rush back to check out and hit the road back to Somerset West. This is the sketch I did which I think calls for a studio version: