Here is a model for managing a confrontation, based on the work of Susan Scott.  I created this note as a model for myself for handling a confrontation between two people in a team.  And I found that, with a caring conversation they were able to resolve their differences and move on.  It is a longer posting but useful stuff so I have not shortened it.

Introduction

The intention of confrontation is to:

Interrogate reality

Search yourself and make clear to yourself that you want to get to the bottom of this.  Then  be ready to make it clear to the person you are confronting.

Provoke learning

Prepare yourself and the person you are confronting, to be ready to learn.  This could mean moving away from a favourite, entrenched position.

Tackle tough relationships

Where iron sharpens iron or where someone has a favourite point of view that is no longer appropriate.

Enrich relationships

Whatever you do you will decide to honour, love and preserve the other person.

Some approaches that don’t work

  1. Light conversation to start.  This only heightens the tension.
  2. Sandwiching the confrontation between a positive to start and a positive to end.   This is manipulative and doesn’t work.
  3. Cushioning, softening the message may mean the message itself is lost.  Beating around the bush gets no one anywhere.
  4. Opening with a broadside.  This pumps up the adrenaline and puts everyone on defense and destroys any common ground from the start.

The process

The sixty second introduction

You have sixty seconds to draw the person you are confronting into the discussion.  Any longer will frustrate them.

Name the issue

Name the behaviour that is causing the problem and the area the behaviour is impacting.  There may be many issues so reflect and get to the core.  What is the central issue.  This is a behaviour not your interpretation of why the person is doing the behaviour.

Remember:  A problem named is a problem solved.

Select and describe a specific example that illustrates the behaviour or situation you want to change

You must have an example as this builds the credibility of your case and will prevent you being dismissed.  But it must be a succinct example.  Remember you have sixty seconds for the whole introduction.

Describe your emotions about the issue

Emotions are intensely personal.  Sharing your real emotions is intimate, displays your vulnerability and is disarming.  What is your emotion (anger, frustration, fear, sadness…) define it and share it.

Clarify what is at stake

So why is this so important?  What is at stake for:

  • The person you are confronting
  • You
  • The team
  • The organisation
  • The purpose
  • The relationship

In compiling this use the words “…at stake…”

Identify your contribution to the problem

Before we confront someone else’s behaviour we must confront our own.  This is not a long confession.  Ask yourself “how have I behaved in ways to perpetuate the problem?”  you may consider:

  • Not communicating clear expectations
  • Not dealing with the issue
  • Your own pet defensive behaviour

It is vitally important for you to be honest with yourself here.  Beware of over- or under-stating the part that you bring to the issue at hand.

Indicate your wish to resolve the issue

Indicate this is not a termination or an ending and that no hatchet man waits at the door.  Use the word ‘resolve’ in your statement.

Invite the person you are confronting to respond

Now that you have given a clear and succinct statement describing the reality of the issue from your point of view, and clearly indicated your willingness to find a resolution you may offer an invitation to join the conversation.

The conversation

This is the part where you will be severely tested.  Be ready for it.  Remember, in all conversations we interpret what is said through our own highly individualised filters.  Here are some pointers:

  • Enquire into the person you are confronting views.
  • Remember:  All conversations are with myself – and sometimes they involve other people.
  • If you partner says something with which you violently disagree – SAY NOTHING!!!  (bite your tongue).
  • Put self aside.  Be prepared to hear some extraordinary criticism and some hurtful statements, that you can learn from.
  • Ask questions.  Dig for full understanding.
  • Practice saying “please say more about this, I see it completely differently and I would like to understand your thinking.”  As well as “May I tell you what I am hearing?  I want to be sure I understand you.”
  • Give yourself this strict rule “Questions only!!!”

Agree what you have learned

When the person you are confronting knows that you fully understand and acknowledge their view of reality you can move toward resolution including what you will agree can happen next.

Ask:

  • What have we learned?
  • Where are we now?
  • Has anything been left unsaid that needs saying?
  • What is needed for resolution?
  • How can we move forward from here, given our new understanding?

Agreement

Make an agreement and determine how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it.